Perfect song for this moment

"Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won’t hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone

Please don’t get me wrong

Because I’ll never let this go
But I can’t find the words to tell you
I don’t want to be alone"

- Would you feel happier if you didn't know me?

- No. Surely not.

I guess that is all that I wanted to hear. And now, I'm trying to convince myself that the best is do not go away. I always think that I would be helping you if I just could stop being near or something like that. Because I never intend to, but I'm always messing your life and turning everything complicated.
But with your answer, I want to try, I want to stay. The only thing that could make me go are your blues. But I know you'll feel it anyway, you're so human... And I'm... I'm almost a robot.

I wonder if loving worth
Closing eyes to do not cry
Fulled with ilusions
Pretending that it's about to change
Sucked with so much love
And still locked to not fly
Feeling like the whole world is about to crush down

To do not get hurt
You have to not let yourself get involved
To do not let yourself suffer
You have to forget the pain of love

What matters to me if the time is runnig out?
And the fallen leaves outside
Are flying blowed by wind?

The rain is falling, tight and cold
Like little needles punching me
I know that I can't protect mylself forever
- Hiding inside
My ceiling can get collapsed upon me

But I won't be the one to cry
There still will be the sky full of stars
And my hope is that will be enough to cover my heart

No, I will not cry
And I won't even try a new love
My heart is closed for business
And lost in the darkness

(30/06/05)

Why is useless to think
About the dreams which have end on another ones?
Why I cannot believe
That I can be just like I used to dream?
The dreams always tell
Prevent,predict
And I still think
That thinking is a way to dream consciously
When you sleep, you are in black
I preffer to be inside,
And not the being I see outside
Things that are not arrested
Always get corrupted

05/07/05

I loved you only by a look
For just a moment... an endless moment
But a lot of moments without you now I'm passing
And I didn't lose the memories of you

And I know, closing eyes is not enought, or crying
Just think of losing you like that
My tears can leave me drunk
But my love is locked inside of me

I don't want to see the time passing away
Don't wanna say goodbye
All I wanted was be free to dream
Without seeing your eyes
Or thinking about your embrace

No, I want to say goodbye forever

(05/07/05)

Sorry if now I am hurting you
I just dream about getting away someday
I don't want to see the end of something
That not became yet
I don't want to cry anymore
And pretend that everything is okay
In fact, it is not, I know
What I don't know is if I want to dream any longer
Because I just want to forget you
Or pretend that I don't care so much
And pretend that I never wondered about what can happen
Pretend that everything is once again what it was
When I did not have to worry
About not crying if someday you leave me

(04/07/05)

What did you want
When you made me lost
Some many dreams
SO much of my life

I just want to see you coming
Don't even want to think about
The day you will no longer be here

If you open your eyes
You will probably shall not see me
If you don't wake up on time
You will certainly lose me

I'm fading away, darling
Just because I don't want to be hurt by you
Not now, at least

(04/07/05)

I want to escape for a place
Where only I know
Where night keeps my secrets in silence
And the wind blows my sadness away

On that river that washes my tears
Is reflected the face that should own my dreams
That is the place you were at once
But your reflect is no longer lied there next to mine

Hiding dreams through the endless night
Painting the mirage that was a part of me
And now,
I've been hiding on smiles
Every and all the pain
That used to live inside myself
because I can't watch You Suffering for me

(04/07/05)

Let me be one cloud in the sky
And I'll be happy enough to be foolished
Losing emotions
Dreaming ilusions
Pretending that you are here
Loving you
Wanting you
I don't wanna let you go
I want to live close to your moon
Just to not see your skies turning off
I'm living through you
Trying to understand
I just can't watch you crying
Breathing you
Looking for you
I won't let this comes to end

(04-07-05)

I walk through the night
Watch some lights
Silence all around
This is when I feel better
Feel fixed and pure
And whenever this time comes
The feelings of love grow in my heart
Like a magical and invisible hug
I smell you but I know you aren't here
Although your love is big enough
To follow me wherever I am

I Have to smile...

E sempre tive que sorrir. Foi tudo que eu sempre tive. Um sorriso que faz a vida continuar como se nada me abalasse. Eu, que me transformei num monstro, que deixe os meus sentimentos se perderem em cada momento quando a vida pareceu parar. Eu que me sinto forçada a me distrair e ocupar a cabeça todo tempo, pra que ninguém pergunte, para que ninguem se preocupe, 24h tentando passar uma imagem, porque nunca estou sozinha. E, este mesmo eu, não sabe muito bem como sair disso. Como posso parar e sofrer da forma certa para superar as lágrimas depois. A verdade é que tenho medo, agora, a dimensão que os sentimentos ruins tomou enquanto eu me ausentei de tudo aquilo que eu deveria ter sentido.

Gomen...

De alguma forma, seria melhor se eu não dissesse nenhuma palavra a você. Mas alguma palavra precisava dizer. Ainda que não saiba de fato se deveria responder, que fique aqui a palavra até que eu descubra.
Me sinto miserável pelo que deixei acontecer na sua vida. Queria me forçar e ser diferente, mas infelizmente não consigo parar.
São 6 da manhã, e eu estou me atrasando pra prova. Li o que você escreveu sobre como você se sente e as lágrimas não exitaram.
Eu sei como é bom o jeito que você quer sentir, e ruim o estado atual.
Eu já estive nos dois lugares.
Mas agora...
Eu devo ser apenas a 'heartless bitch' que todo mundo pensa.
Não queria que achasse que fui falsa. Ou que, só de sacanagem, não quero corresponder seus sentimentos.
E só não queria prosseguir na vida fingindo; como já fiz tantas e tantas vezes; como você sabe que é ruim.

Even if that is not the love you've been looking for, I do love you.
And I'm so (SO!) sorry for what I feel not beeing enough
I wish you the best even if you no longer will be by my side, although I no longer know how to live without you.
If I have a choice...

But my time is running out and I have to go.
Maybe someday I'll find enought courage to show this to you, sweetheart ( And in your case, this is not just a cute nick, your heart is so pure and you, so sweet. The problem was never on you.)